New Jersey--Artie Lange Enterprises announced the creation of his new superstore, My Face Furniture. The store, which specializes in bidets, is set to open this Saturday
Founder and CEO Artie Lange is wholeheartedly fervent in his belief that My Face Furniture will succeed. “Sit on My Face Furniture and you’ll never want to go anywhere else.”
While Lange has been called the Midas (or was that Meineke?) of retail, he concedes he isn’t perfect. “I have a big mouth and many people believe it hurts My Face,” he stated. “That said, we have developed an aggressive marketing plan that urges wavering lesbians to sit on My Face Furniture.”
Others are encouraged to try-out My Face, too, but Lange has set some restrictions.
“Anyone over 150 pounds is too big for My Face,” he warned. “My Face was designed with the petite young flower in mind. For those over a buck fifty, I can recommend some other, perfectly fine places to sit, just not on My Face.”
The company is also guaranteeing to leave your crotch wet or you get your money back. Lange emphasizes his customer oriented focus, “I want every woman uncertain of her sexual orientation to know that My Face is here to serve you.”
But the service doesn’t stop with a single-seater; My Face Furniture is also introducing a love seat style bidet. “I’ve always dreamed that My Face was meant for two women, not just one,” said Lange.
This is Artie Lange’s third venture into business. His first, You Need a Big Dick, Private Investigative Services was closed down for tax evasion. His second, Give a Hand, Job Placement Services was voluntarily closed down after claims of prostitution surfaced.
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11 comments:
Very original concept! Though your target demographic seems somewhat limited, I wish you all the best with your new business venture.
Thanks Kat. The next two days, however, are totally dedicated to Steakbellie. I guess My Face Furniture will have to wait. So what do you think, is the whole wavering lesbians thing too obnoxious? I was really tired and not interested in spending a lot of time on it. Anyone else can chiem in with their opinion too!
Artie, I'm glad you asked. As a qualifying statement, I believe much of your writing could be deemed "obnoxious" by offendable parties, but I cannot pass judgment on this aspect of your campaign, because I think it's funny and f**k anyone who can't take a joke. (If you won't, I will)
As a former (and possibly future) lesbian (a "has-bian", if you will) with extensive ad agency experience, I can confirm that the Ladies Who Munch are known to spend a considerable percentage of their disponsible income on titilating bathroom furnishings.
My strongest suggestion would be "don't try be everything to everyone". Niche marketing requires refined thinking and a gentle touch. A wavering lesbian or has-bian might have a more satisfying shopping experience if you were to offer a choice between the standard "My Face" line, and one from an attractive female staffer (maybe a "Her Face" product line?). If you force your customers into an embarrassing in-store sexual identity crisis, you've pretty much lost a potential sale.
I also urge you to build a Bigger, Stronger Face to capture the all-important but oft-ignored plus-size market. With obesity rates at an all time high, and supermodels now bylawed to top purging, your lack of consumer foresight is the equivalent of saying "no" to a dumptruck full of money.
I am also observing a Week of Silence in honour of our Hero Steakbellie, in spite of the fact that I was attacked by a squirrel on my way home last night. After Friday, the world shall know my ordeal.
You could make a fortune franchising this.
Given the average American's lack of familiarity with bidets, you might want to include a warning that no one should attempt to urinate on My Face. I recall a rather embarrassing story from "Tropic of Cancer" about such an event, and that would be a hard stain to remove from My Face's otherwise excellent reputation.
MyFace.com
I like it.
I would also like to warn you about the dangers of advertising improperly. When I attempted to set up a center to give unused objects from wealthier families to lower-income children, I was met with many an odd stare due to my aggressive word of mouth campaign.
Hoping others would catch the giving spirit, I would press my lips against the ears of attractive young women on public transportation and gutturally whisper the title of my business: "Take Out Your Junk and Let Someone Else Play With It." It didn't work often - we got more lawsuits than gifts, especially when I told people to "clean up their junk," but for those two kids and 600some women we touched - in different ways, mind you - I think we made a difference, and whether that difference is waking up in the night in terror, still smelling my cheap Aqua Velva knockoff and recoiling weeks after the fact at my "creepiness" (it's called "persistence" in my world), or playing with some Fisher Price Little People for five minutes before getting bored and watching more television, I think that's a lasting legacy.
I now realize I am not the businessman I made myself out to be. Kat and Pistols, especially, you have opened my eyes to the possibility that blogging may eb all that I have to offer the world.
I'm sorry world.
Don't you apologize for having a dream and a desire to help people. Oh, and also a desire to grow rich while helping people. Don't you dare.
And also, let's not underestimate the awesome power of a really cool handlebar moustache.
I think he plagirized this.
BUSTED!
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