I am saddened that some damn computer has deemed me unworthy of the Grand Old Party. Only 4% of me is truly Republican and I'll let the ladies decide what 4% of me that is.
I want to be a Republican. They have more clothing options. Republicans have Brooks Brothers, Izod Lacoste, Rockport, Polo. Democrats have Birkenstock and that Walter Mondale t-shirt. Reps have more radio options (Rush, Hannity, O'Reilly, and Bennett; while Dems have that communist run NPR).
Republican women are blonde and agressive (probably beasts in the sack); Democratic women want to talk about reproductive rights as a form of foreplay.
I've never played golf, but I imagine I would make a lot of Republican friends on the links. My Democratic friends don't play sports because someone has to lose and that is wrong.
Republicans can count on the military personel, with their tanks, guns, and jets, as a key continuency. Democrats have a dude with a VW Bus.
In the end, I want to be a Republican because then I can blame the poor for my woes. I don't like the poor because they make me feel bad about myself. I think a poor person cost Steakbellie a victory at Wing Bowl.
Artie Lange. Republican since 9:39 AM EST.
2 comments:
Well stated, sir! However, there seems to be a bit of guilt and concern over what is truly right in this world, and there's no room for that kind of waffler in the Grand Old Party.
The Democrats' biggest problem is their diversity. Republicans are the rich and people who love 'Merica. Democrats are art teachers, musicians, NGO employees, disenfranchised minorities, feminists, homosexuals, environmentalists, and so forth. It's nigh impossible to get a party consensus on any issue, because Dems want to argue over semantic points and whether there's any gluten in the organic spinach dip.
The amazing thing: the poor, who are blamed for not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps (mostly because having to pay for private health insurance and the funerals of their children serving overseas leaves them no money to purchase boots with) by the Republicans, now vote Republican. It's an amazing shift in politics over the past decade or so. I would like to know Rove's secrets.
Incidentally, old VW buses are Republican as all get out. After all, Republicans funded Saddam, were responsible for the Iran-Contra scandal, and, given this repeated financial involvement in Middle Eastern politics, probably bankrolled the (Libyan, I believe?) attack on Doc Brown in the parking lot of the Twin Pines mall captured in the documentary "Back to the Future." If you'll recall, the gunmen in that amazingly-well-lit documentary drove a VW van.
Admit it: that blew your mind. Or it was just 8,000 times longer than need be.
What the hell are bootstraps, anyway? Isn't that the loop that helps you get your boots on? If so, how the hell is anyone supposed to lift themselves up by that?
Ah, I get it! Republicans believe in witchcraft and the devil. Who else could perform such feets feats.
In sixth grade I gave myself a wedgie and swore it caued me to levitate. I was the bully in school and no one dare give me one, themselves. Thus, Artie was forced to perform auto butt filliation on himself. A sad day in my history.
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