Literally...

OK, this is a lame post, but I want to address the fact that many people use the word "literally" when they really meant "figuratively." Sorry to my elitist friends who consider this post close kin to Indians working at 7-11 humor, but this is Literally/Figuratively all I have to offer.

Let's play a game. I'll give you some personal claims and you decide whether they are true or false.

I literally…

…Shit myself when someone played a practical joke and pretended to rob me.

…Died in a hospital operating room.

…Choked on my own vomit after reading Smelmooo’s Tuesday’s Top Five.

…jumped for joy after a Marine recruiter told me I was qualified to enlist.

…cried after seeing Kurt Gibson on a Wheaties box

…ate a serving of ravioli that could have fed a family of eight.

…pummeled a guy into unconsciousness for giving me a bad advice.

…laughed so hard I began to hyperventilate.

…spent so much time in the library that a librarian offered me a cot to sleep on.

…risked my life attempting to steal a mannequin from department store.

…dumped over 500 gallons of toxic chemicals into the Delaware River

…Became the first person to pee in the university’s new swimming pool.

…sang my way out of a traffic ticket.

…begged my way into losing my virginity.

…sold more candy for a school fundraiser than the rest of my class, combined.

…, from the age of 8 to 16, watched more TV each day than I slept.

...lost thousands of dollars betting on college football.