In Like a Lion
Here is letter number two.

The Honorable Donald H. Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
1000 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1000

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld:

Greetings from Philadelphia! It is not exactly Iraq, though there are some areas of town that seem like a few thousand bombs hit it.

My name is MacWing and I am a contestant in the nationally famous Wing Bowl, a competitive eating event performed at the Spectrum in front of more than 15,000 people. I am a true believer in what you are trying to accomplish and believe it is the duty of every American, even the illegal ones who cross our border and work at our restaurants, hotels, factories, construction sites, and Wal-Mart’s, to support our troops. Support our troops, I say, because they are on the front lines supporting us!

Anyway, Wing Bowl is a huge media event and will draw the attention of hundreds of thousands of listeners and viewers—most in the important male 18-24 demographic. I want to find someway to properly recognize everything you have done to promote peace through military action. You are a true patriot and think it deserves to be recognized. I’m not sure if you were in the military, but I imagine you must have been since you know so much.

I am a very big admirer of yours. When I found out you walked everywhere and carry around a pedometer, I went and got one myself. Too bad, because of your position, you can’t start a business and endorse a particular brand of pedometer. I bet you’d make a lot of money. If you are interested in this when you retire as Secretary of Defense, let me know. Maybe I can do a testimonial or something.

Back to my point. I am trying to find someway to recognize you, your sacrifices, and the way you have handled yourself at those press conferences (Wolf Blitzer can be really unfair!). I haven’t come up with a good idea yet (a paper mache statue?), but am working on it. I wanted to give you advance notice and seek your input to anything you’d might like to see. By the way, is there a chance I could get a picture of you? That would really be great and help a lot. You could autograph it or not, but if you do I am MacWing and not McWing. Also, you are more than welcome to come to the event if you wish. I get 10 free tickets and I’d love to bump my friend Rob since he is a Democrat and voted for that Draft Dodger John Kerry.

Thanks in advance for your help, but more importantly thank you for your contributions to making this country the greatest in the world, the land of the brave and the home of the free.
Sincerely,