James Brown is Dead
Gun dealers, domestic violence centers, translators mourn the loss of "one great customer"

Colls, NJ, December 26, 2006-- Papa may have a brand new bag, but the Godfather of Soul is looking for a barely used coffin. James Brown, the enigmatic singer who taught generations of white kids how to look lame while feeling cool is dead.

His last words, according to his longtime publicist and bail bondsman Gilbert Fallon, "I don't feel so good."

In other news, the Dow opened down 600 points, largely a response to the announcement that Johnson & Johnson will close down its hair straightening division due to an anticipated drop in sales.